Hendrik Koopman 9.24.1927 - 8.24.2019

JHDK

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For the official bereavement days, you may be asked to provide a death certificate or copy of it. It's usually a HR regulation.
I was thinking exactly that. I'm going to tell her tomorrow that I can bring in the death certificate if it's needed for HR.
 

JHDK

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I'm sorry guys...I'm not looking for sympathy or whatever, I just kinda want to rant before bed.

I'm pounding s02 of TNG right now (it's really good so far) and feeling really sad and kinda scared. I know this is somewhat weird seeing how I'm a 35 year old man but I was pretty dependent on Hendrik. I can't describe it exactly but he was a safety net. I always knew if anything went seriously wrong I could talk about it with him. Now that's gone. This is scary.

I think I'm going to try to describe this to my Aunt Sally and Uncle Paul tomorrow. They have always been my closest family beside my parents. I may have to lean on them a bit more than I have been letting on while spending the past 2 days with them.
 

JHDK

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Called the boss and asked to take the week. She told me that policy is 3 days for bereavement and I asked if I could also use my personal time. She was driving into the office and said she would see what she could do and call me back. So we'll see. The earliest I'll be back is 8.29 if she doesn't let me use my PT and the latest would be 9.3 if she does.
 

JHDK

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She called back and told me I could have the days. So I'm off this week and won't miss any pay, which is very nice. She also asked that I bring something in that shows I'm his son, like an obituary or something. My Dad was very clear he didn't want a service so I can't bring one of those cards but I told her I could bring the death certificate. At first she said that wouldn't do but then when I explained the service thing she said just bring that if it's all I have. My Aunts & Uncle will likely help me put an obituary in the paper so I'll bring that if it happens too.

Also, I now feel guilty that I'm happy I have the week off. It's like I think, "Hey I now have a week off work, sweet! vacation!." But then I remember I should be sad all the time and feel bad.

I think I'm in full on DABDA at this point: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, just not sure what stage at the moment cause I feel all 5 of those things right now.
 
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memebag

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You won't feel sad all the time. You may only feel sad at the worst possible time. Grief sucks.

Be nice to yourself. Your dad would want you to.
 

HecticArt

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I'm glad they gave you the week. For a parent, it's important.

The emotions will sweep in and out for a while. It's a pretty abstract thing to lose a parent. It'll get better over time, but you will think about your dad often - probably till your last days. The good thing, is that the sadness and anxiety will subside as you move along. You've turned yourself around a lot over the last several years, and I'm betting Hendrick noticed, and was proud.
 

scotchandcigar

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^Those are all good pieces of advice and wisdom. I don't think I can add anything to those.

All I can say is this; I've lived enough, and seen enough, that I know each day can be my last day, or the last time I will see someone I love. So every day, I try to appreciate them, think about them, remember them. And along with that, I recognize that whatever elderly family I have is a daily gift - an extra bonus. So instead of feeling loss when they're gone, I feel lucky for the extra time I got with them. Becoming parentless by 26 forced me to see things that way. It's why I have such a sober - and perhaps unemotional - perspective on those who have enjoyed a full life.
 
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IdRatherBeSkiing

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She called back and told me I could have the days. So I'm off this week and won't miss any pay, which is very nice. She also asked that I bring something in that shows I'm his son, like an obituary or something. My Dad was very clear he didn't want a service so I can't bring one of those cards but I told her I could bring the death certificate. At first she said that wouldn't do but then when I explained the service thing she said just bring that if it's all I have. My Aunts & Uncle will likely help me put an obituary in the paper so I'll bring that if it happens too.

Also, I now feel guilty that I'm happy I have the week off. It's like I think, "Hey I now have a week off work, sweet! vacation!." But then I remember I should be sad all the time and feel bad.

I think I'm in full on DABDA at this point: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, just not sure what stage at the moment cause I feel all 5 of those things right now.
Grief is not predictable and does not follow a schedule. You can feel something one minute and completely different the next. Use the week to work through the emotions and reflect.
 
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JHDK

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Is everything going ok? There's the planning for the services, sorting out the apartment, and all of that other stuff. I know he had a lot of stuff worked out, but it can still be overwhelming.
I'm moving this over here because it's the thread I will probably come back to read through at some point.

We've had some very busy days. He was living in a studio, a rather big one but still a studio, and he made a point to try to throw things away to make life easier for me in this situation but there is still a ton of stuff to do to clean out his place. We have been doing it since Sat. Yesterday I brought the final load of stuff I'm keeping over to my place. And I brought Athena over. I was taking care of Athena's needs, but she was staying at my Dad's place because I thought it best for her to be somewhere a person is around most of the time. She is kinda freaked out now but she'll get used to her new situation...like me I guess.

Hendrik was not religious at all and made it very clear he did not want a service. The day he died my aunts and uncle and I went to dinner at the Koopman family go-to local Mexican place, Baja Cantina as a type of memorial. He also wouldn't want memorial cards or an obituary but I need them for work and I know he wouldn't want me to run into any issues there so we are getting both. With himself he was very frugal. With my Mom and me he was very generous. I'm convinced if he was single his whole life he would have died a millionaire. A few years ago he had me call around to find the cheapest possible funeral home. That means we all drove to Hollywood FL three days ago (about 25 mils away) because it was the cheapest. They were very nice.

We also went to the lawyer two days ago. He had set up a trust for me and my Godparents control it until I'm 40. However there are clauses in there that say Aunt Sally can pretty much do whatever she wants with it, including handing control over to me (and I don't want that) so long as it is for my living or education purposes and that is good. Now that my Dad is gone there is no one in the world I trust more than my aunt and uncle and I am happy it was set up so they will help with my finances. I know this may be gauche but when have I ever shown decorum around here? It's not a ton of money but it's also nothing to sneeze at, a little more than half an NFL rookie's minimum salary. However the vast majority is in stocks and bonds. The current plan is the part that's in cash will be used for major events; a new car, new place etc. and I will get monthly supplemental income from the dividend payments. Should turn out to be about an extra paycheck per month, which is very nice. Yet again the old man looking out for me.

Yesterday my other aunt randomly asked a maid at her hotel if she wanted some of the furniture in his place. She said yes and after her shift she brought her husband and daughter over and they took his bed, dresser, dining room table (that glass one in the pictures I posted), and night stand. This is great for us because we are have junk guys come for the rest and the less there is, the less they charge.

So we finish his place today and my aunts and uncle head back to Melbourne. I will then drive up to them tomorrow or Friday to drop off the one big thing they are holding for me, a giant Dutch Friesian wall clock that looks almost exactly like this one:

1566994863372.png

It has some value but nothing major. However it's been in the Koopman family since the 1800's and my father would also go on and on about it so it feels wrong to sell or junk it. Why did the family heirloom have to be a giant, heavy wall clock instead of an Omega or Rolex?

After that not sure. I may pop over to Disney to grieve in my happy place but I'm not sure if I'll be feeling that. I'll tell you I'm certainly not right now. Guess I'll play it by ear.

So there is the update. Tones of work and 15 hour days have been my life since Saturday. It should now be calming down and I should have some time to relax and reflect. I'm glad I took the week.
 
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HecticArt

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Hang in there bud. It seems like you guys are getting things under control. The most stressful stuff should be behind you soon.
That's great that the old boy was able to set you up so nicely. They say that investments like that should be able to double every 12 years or so if you don't mess with them. If you can leave most of it invested, you should be looking at a good head-start on your retirement. I'd try to forget that it's there.

I'd also take the trip to Disney when you have a chance. Clear your head a bit.
Go to your happy place.


My mom, my dad, & Mrs Hectic's dad had all been in their homes for years. My folks hadn't really thought about downsizing. Even though the Mrs' dad didn't really collect a lot of stuff, it was still a drag sorting through everything.

The stuff you find going through someones life after they are gone is pretty weird.
 

JHDK

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you should be looking at a good head-start on your retirement
Yup. That's exactly what he did it for. He made that clear. Hopefully I won't have to use it before then...it would have to be a very serious emergency.

My folks hadn't really thought about downsizing.
Not sure if I mentioned this before but Hendrik downsized because at his place the rent you pay in independent living is the same rent you pay if you have to go to the assisted living facility where all the units are studios. He started out with my mom in a 3 bedroom that they converted into a 2br with a large living room, then went to a real 2 bedroom when she died and then went to a studio after that. It was a smart idea. Frugal, like I said.
 

HecticArt

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I think it'll take 108 years for the fund to compound that much.
That assumes the watch doesn't appreciate......
And life on earth still exists....
 

JHDK

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It's almost exactly one week (since you looked at me) since I found my Dad dead. I thought this would be a good time to post this:


It ran in the Sun Sentinel on Thursday 8.29.19. That was the paper he read everyday. We used to have a game where we would do the word scramble in the mornings. Whoever found the first word won. He also enjoyed doing Sudoku. When I was a kid he would do the bridge too but since he played bridge all the time with real people at his place he didn't do it anymore. Fitting that the obituary is in the same local section with those games.

My aunt Kathleen wrote it and my aunt Sally edited it, those are my Mom's older and younger sisters. As I said before, Hendrik would not have wanted an obituary but I need it for work. Aunt Sally was somewhat pushing me to post one even before I knew I needed it so it all worked out. I think it's good enough. The only edit I added was taking my Mom's maiden name, Kuleza, out. Besides my aunt Sally (her younger sister) and her Mom (who died before I was born) my Mom didn't have a great time with her family. Once she married my Dad, she NEVER went by Mary Ann Kuleza Koopman. She was Mary Ann Koopman.

Also, not sure I've grieved properly yet. I mean I was quite sad for a few stretches here and there but I haven't cried. I teared up when I first found him dead and when the undertaker was putting his body on the gurney but that was it. I think real depression may set in, in a few weeks or months. That's what happened with my Mom but that time I had my Dad to call, he was going through the same thing so it made it easier. Both my aunts have been great and I will definitely be talking to them more than ever now.
 
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HecticArt

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It'll hit you in waves, and it'll happen at weird times.
The fact that you and your dad spent so much time talking about it and planning for it, may have made less of a shock.
 
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JHDK

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I called my aunt Kathleen twice today. Second time it went to voicemail. She is good to talk to. I'm thinking it might be kinda weird though. She has a daughter that lives in Ireland. She told me she would be happy to talk to me anytime and I don't want to take too much advantage of that. She is kinda alone right now too, she lives in Melbourne by herself so I thought it would be nice to have a closer relationship but I don't want to push myself on her like I'm her kid or something like that.

Just rambling thoughts.