Jokes! Jokes! Jokes!

Channel98

Don't yell or hit.
Feb 2, 2019
1,651
538
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Glendale CA
DRC has no joke thread. DRC needs a joke thread. I am starting a joke thread -- and that's no joke! I will inaugurate ths thread by posting a few of my very best jokes. I can already hear some of you asking, "If those are his best jokes, how bad must his worst jokes be?" I will ignore that question.

Don & the glass eye

Don lived on the fourth floor of an apartment building. One night he thought he heard rain falling so his stuck his hand out the window to check. Suddenly a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from. There was a young woman leaning out the window above him, and he asked her, "Does this eye belong to you?" She said, "Yes. Could you bring it up, please?"

When he got to her apartment and handed her the eye, she popped it back into her eye socket and thanked him profusely. She offered him a drink and he accepted. Then she asked him to stay for dinner and he accepted. After the meal, she invited him to spend the night. Don was hesitant. He asked her, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?" She replied, "No, only those who catch my eye."
 

Channel98

Don't yell or hit.
Feb 2, 2019
1,651
538
118
Glendale CA
The sculptor & the model

Marcel was a famous sculptor. One day he decided to do a sculpture of a nude woman and advertised for a model. Several came to be interviewed. Marcel was very pleased with the last woman, a tall shapely blonde, but she wanted $75 an hour to pose for him. He thought that was too much and offered her $10 an hour. She refused. In desperate need of a model, Marcel managed to talk his wife into posing. She wasn't very attractive or well-built but he had no other choice. A few days later, while Marcel was working on the sculpture, the blonde walked by his studio and saw his wife through the window. She shook her head and said, "See what you get for $10?"
 

Channel98

Don't yell or hit.
Feb 2, 2019
1,651
538
118
Glendale CA
The Poles & the poles

A work crew was installing telephone poles to bring phone service to a remote town in the hills of Kentucky. They still had several miles to go and they had to have the work completed in two more days. The foreman decided to hire some more men. He went to the city and found a group of Polacks willing to work. He dropped them off along the roadside and drove off. At the end of the day, the foreman drove out to check on the Polacks. He asked them, "How many telephone poles did you get installed today?" Wlavojski said, "Two." The foreman couldn't believe it. He yelled, "Two? Two??? The crew three miles down the road put in thirty poles!" Wlavojski said, "Yeah, but they left all of theirs sticking up out of the ground."
 

Channel98

Don't yell or hit.
Feb 2, 2019
1,651
538
118
Glendale CA
Well, I got my first negative response from Mister Evil. I will probably get another negative response from Mister scotch and after that all my reviews will be positive. Or not.

How about the old man whose friends decided to surprise him on his birthday by hiring a prostitute for him? He answered a knock at the door and was surprised to see the woman on his porch. He asked her, "What do you want?" She said, "I'm here to offer you super sex." He said, "I'll take the soup."
 

Channel98

Don't yell or hit.
Feb 2, 2019
1,651
538
118
Glendale CA
A blonde went into an ice cream shop and asked the clerk for a chocolate cone. He told her, "I'm sorry, we're out of chocolate. You'll have to pick another flavor." The blonde looked at all the containers of ice cream and finally asked, "Can I get a chocolate cone?" The clerk said, "First I want you to spell some words for me. Spell the 'van' in vanilla." The blonde replied, "V-A-N." The clerk said, "Now spell the 'straw' in strawberry." The blonde replied, "S-T-R-A-W." Then the clerk said, "Spell the 'stink' in chocolate." The blonde said, "There is no 'stink' in chocolate." The clerk said, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

 

HecticArt

Administrator
Oct 19, 2008
35,779
9,700
168
Toledo, Ohio
So two television antennas met on a rooftop.
The fell in love and decided to get married.

The ceremony wasn't much,

But the reception was excellent.
 

Wolf

The Lone Wolf
Oct 11, 2008
31,002
8,525
168
Utopia
Knock Knock

Who's there?

You're mom.

You're mom sucks.

I know, I sucked her last night. :roflmao:

 

Channel98

Don't yell or hit.
Feb 2, 2019
1,651
538
118
Glendale CA
A wife is very suspicious of her husband. Each evening when he comes home from work, she checks his coat to see if there are any strands of women's hair on it. One evening she doesn't find any hair and screams, "So! Now you're fooling around with a bald woman!"
 

Channel98

Don't yell or hit.
Feb 2, 2019
1,651
538
118
Glendale CA
Two pigeons are flying above an automobile dealer's new car lot. One pigeon asks, "Did you see that brand-new silver Mercedes C300 sedan?" The other pigeon replies, "See it? I made a deposit on it!"

 

Channel98

Don't yell or hit.
Feb 2, 2019
1,651
538
118
Glendale CA
The outlaw

In a sheriff's office in a small town in Texas, the sheriff hands his deputy a "Wanted" poster and tells him, "I want you to catch this man." The deputy reads the poster. It says, "Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants and brown paper boots." The deputy asks, "What is this man wanted for?" The sheriff says, "Rustling."
 

Channel98

Don't yell or hit.
Feb 2, 2019
1,651
538
118
Glendale CA
A blonde woman puts four quarters into a vending machine, then pushes a button and a can of soda comes out. She picks up the can and sets it on top of the machine. Then she puts in four more quarters, punches a button, gets another can and sets it on top of the machine. She does this several times. A man standing behind her finally says, "Hey, lady, can you hurry it up?" She tells him, "You'll have to wait. I'm still winning."
 

HecticArt

Administrator
Oct 19, 2008
35,779
9,700
168
Toledo, Ohio
So young Koop was being rather rambunctious one day and he was driving his mother crazy. She finally had enough and told him to go across the street to the new house that was under construction to see if the contractor could keep him busy while she chilled out.

A few hours later, young Koop comes back home. Mother Koop is feeling relaxed, so she says "Tell me what you learned from the contractor son."

Koop replied:
Well mom, it was great, I learned how to install a door! First, you get the god damn thing off the fuckin truck, and jam that son of a bitch in the damn frame. If the cock sucker doesn't fit, you pull that piece of shit down and shave a cunt hair off the bottom. Then you slap the fucker back in the frame and hope that douche bag fits.

Mrs Koop is mortified. She said, "Just wait till your father gets home!" And sent him to his room.

When Koop's dad got home, his mom told Koop to tell his father what he learned today. Koop repeated the lesson word for word. His father wasn't amused and said "Son, go outside and get a switch...."

Koop replied, "Fuck you dad. That's the electrician's job!"
 
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Channel98

Don't yell or hit.
Feb 2, 2019
1,651
538
118
Glendale CA
The burning blonde

At a gas station, a blonde woman is smoking a cigarette while she pumps gas. The cigarette embers ignite the gas fumes and her arm catches fire. She begins yelling and waving her arm around. While the attendant grabs a fire extinguisher and attempts to put out the flames, a policeman on patrol sees what's happening and rushes over. After the flames are finally out, the policeman tells the woman she's under arrest. She is incredulous. She screams, "Why am I being arrested?" The cop says, "For waving a firearm."
 

Channel98

Don't yell or hit.
Feb 2, 2019
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118
Glendale CA
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead rob the general store in a small rural community. As they grab the money and run out of the store, two policemen see them and start chasing them. The three women run through some fields, then see a big barn and decide to hide there. In the corner of the barn there are three big burlap bags. Each woman climbs inside one of the sacks.

The policemen run into the barn and stop and look around. One officer says to the other, "You search the loft and the haystack and I'll check these bags." He kicks the first bag and the brunette inside says "Meowwww." The cop hollers, "It's only a cat." He kicks the second bag and the redhead inside says "Woof! Woof!" The cop hollers, "It's only a dog." He kicks the third bag and the blonde inside yells "Potatoes!"
 
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Channel98

Don't yell or hit.
Feb 2, 2019
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538
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Glendale CA
Roscoe points a gun at the bank teller and demands money. He's on his way out the door with a sack full of hundred-dollar bills when he notices several people outside the bank, staring at him. He asks one man, "Did you just see me rob the bank?" The man says "Yes" and Roscoe shoots him dead. He turns to another man and asks, "Did you just see me rob the bank?" That man also says "Yes" and Roscoe shoots him dead. He then asks a third man, "Did you just see me rob the bank?" The man replies, "No -- but my wife did."
 

Channel98

Don't yell or hit.
Feb 2, 2019
1,651
538
118
Glendale CA
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me a whiskey and.............................Coke." The bartender asks, "Why the long pause?" The polar bear replies, "I don't know -- I've always had them."

 
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JHDK

Release Robin's Bra
Oct 11, 2008
21,710
9,658
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35
Hyrule
When i was a kid there was a joke abot rolling a fat chick in flour and looking for the wet spot to know where to bang.

Not exactly sire how ot went but those are the main bullet points of the joke.

And that is my contribution to the joke thread. You're welcome.