Slam! Music Reviews That PWN

sadchild

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Doug Flutie's band The Flutie Brothers. A review of a live performance.

What is it about some movie stars and athletes who, despite multimillion-dollar careers, still think they have to prove themselves as rock stars?

Doug Flutie is the Heisman Trophy-winning Massachusetts native who threw that famous Hail Mary for Boston College in 1984 and has been quarterback for the Buffalo Bills the last two seasons. Monday, he was the drummer for one of the worst bands to ever play the Mohegan Sun Casino Wolf Den Lounge.

...if he were only a drummer you certainly wouldn't know his name. He rushes the tempo here and there; his insistence in playing the high-hat cymbal all the time only emphasizes how often he misses the beat.

Flutie's brother Darren has the same chiseled good looks and NFL profile -- he was a receiver for three years before moving to the Canadian Football League. But he's also got a similar musical ability, unfortunately. He mostly plays rhythm guitar to Mike Smith's lead in a tentative, not-quite-done-with-lessons manner.


 
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sadchild

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This is just hearsay from some random dude talking about a review he remembers seeing, but it definitely pwns....

Styx
Caught In The Act (Kilroy Was Here live video) (1984)

Best Styx review I read was in Creem magazine (not available online, sadly). The reviewer wrote a whole page going overboard praising their “Kilroy Was Here” live video. Then, the very last line: “Did I forget to mention I’m functionally retarded?”

The best line about Styx was when their manager was interviewed for “Behind the Music” and remembered a reviewer who compared them to a parking lot full of whale vomit. The manager said something like “if they compared us to a small amount of whale vomit then I wouldn’t have been upset”.

Styx_-_Caught_in_the_Act.jpg
 
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sadchild

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scotchandcigar

All I wanted was some steak
Feb 13, 2009
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18,884
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Vacationland
Ny03MzQyLmpwZWc.jpeg


Queen
eponymous/debut


NME called it “a bucket of stale urine”. After a review like that, it's amazing the band could 'keep itself alive'

TBH, Keep Yourself Alive is the only decent song on the album; so I don't agree with his analogy, but I can see it getting negative reviews.
 
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sadchild

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It's my least favorite Roth album (maybe tied with VH2). And I agree about the total time and amount of cover songs. But I don't feel quite THIS negative about it!!

800px-Van_Halen_-_Diver_Down.svg.png



Van Halen
Diver Down


August 1982 issue of Creem Magazine: "Diver Down is as bad a career move as I’ve ever seen – so much so that if these guys are featured in this magazine in two year’s time, I’ll be surprised."

Not only is this album an insult to the average consumer who will have to pay upwards of ten dollars for it, it is an exceptionally vicious kick in the teeth to Van Halen fans everywhere; fans who – by buying their albums, attending their concerts, and wearing their merchandise – have made David Lee Roth, Alex Van Halen, Eddie Van Halen and Michael Anthony millionaires. And because I paid hard-earned money for my copy of Diver Down, I have a personal stake in the matter: I have been burned by Van Halen, and I don’t like it.

From start to finish, this album lasts less than half an hour – and if you don’t believe me, you can count up the label times and arrive at the shameful figure of 29:07 yourself. This is a disgrace. In an era where the technology exists to make it feasible for someone like Todd Rundgren to release a single album of original material which lasts over an hour (Initiation: 68:11), there is absolutely no excuse for this kind of showing. None.

And although there are twelve tracks on Diver Down, five of them are cover versions (one lasting a mere 1:39) and three of them are guitar instrumentals (none of which is long enough to synchronize a watch by), leaving but four original songs by the band.

Of the covers, the above-noted 1:39 version of ‘Happy Trails’ is the kind of self-indulgent filler that only reinforces my anger at Van Halen for taking advantage of their audience – and if you think that they would’ve gotten away with something like this on their first album, think again. And a note to historians who would like to point out ‘Mother’s Lament’ on Disraeli Gears: Don’t bother, it ain’t 1967 anymore.

‘Dancing in the Streets,’ ‘Where Have All the Good Times Gone!’ and ‘Pretty Woman’ are so close to the original versions as to be superfluous carbon copies. Unlike their reworking of ‘You Really Got Me,’ which exuded sonic flash and style, these three remakes are there…and nothing more.

‘Big Bad Bill (Is Sweet William Now)’ is the kind of campy period piece that people like to crucify Freddie Mercury for, but when Freddie has written original material in a similar vein (‘Seaside Rendezvous,’ ‘Dreamer’s Ball’), the results have been at least tasteful, with none of the cheap vulgarities encountered here (to say that it’s no ‘Take Your Whiskey Home’ is an understatement).

Instrumental-wise, we’re talking filler again. ‘Intruder’ is a pale, pale imitation of the more successful ‘Sunday Afternoon in the Park’ and the pyrotechnics which made Eddie the Creem guitarist of the year in 1981 are nowhere in sight (or sound).

As for the originals, all four songs are lame, banal exercises that don’t even rock ‘n’ roll all that much, except for” Hang ‘Em High,” which is the closest thing to “classic” Van Halen on this album in terms of sheer train-out-of–control, collision-course rock ‘n’ roll.

Everything you loved on Women and Children First and Fair Warning are missing from Diver Down: the cheap asides from Roth, the glorious stereo guitar sonics, the well-crafted lyrics (yeah, well, compared to Diver Down, anything – including an air-raid siren – would have well-crafted lyrics) and, especially, the solid hooks which permeated almost every track.

Just when Van Halen needed to come back with a killer album to cement their status in the marketplace as the current rock ‘n’ roll kings, they had to go and pull a stunt like this. Diver Down is as bad a career move as I’ve ever seen – so much so that if these guys are featured in this magazine in two year’s time, I’ll be surprised. And don’t laugh: if it happened to Aerosmith, it could happen to these bozos, too.”

-Bruce Malamut
 
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Jon

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Dec 16, 2008
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It's my least favorite Roth album (maybe tied with VH2). And I agree about the total time and amount of cover songs. But I don't feel quite THIS negative about it!!

800px-Van_Halen_-_Diver_Down.svg.png



Van Halen
Diver Down


August 1982 issue of Creem Magazine: "Diver Down is as bad a career move as I’ve ever seen – so much so that if these guys are featured in this magazine in two year’s time, I’ll be surprised."

Not only is this album an insult to the average consumer who will have to pay upwards of ten dollars for it, it is an exceptionally vicious kick in the teeth to Van Halen fans everywhere; fans who – by buying their albums, attending their concerts, and wearing their merchandise – have made David Lee Roth, Alex Van Halen, Eddie Van Halen and Michael Anthony millionaires. And because I paid hard-earned money for my copy of Diver Down, I have a personal stake in the matter: I have been burned by Van Halen, and I don’t like it.

From start to finish, this album lasts less than half an hour – and if you don’t believe me, you can count up the label times and arrive at the shameful figure of 29:07 yourself. This is a disgrace. In an era where the technology exists to make it feasible for someone like Todd Rundgren to release a single album of original material which lasts over an hour (Initiation: 68:11), there is absolutely no excuse for this kind of showing. None.

And although there are twelve tracks on Diver Down, five of them are cover versions (one lasting a mere 1:39) and three of them are guitar instrumentals (none of which is long enough to synchronize a watch by), leaving but four original songs by the band.

Of the covers, the above-noted 1:39 version of ‘Happy Trails’ is the kind of self-indulgent filler that only reinforces my anger at Van Halen for taking advantage of their audience – and if you think that they would’ve gotten away with something like this on their first album, think again. And a note to historians who would like to point out ‘Mother’s Lament’ on Disraeli Gears: Don’t bother, it ain’t 1967 anymore.

‘Dancing in the Streets,’ ‘Where Have All the Good Times Gone!’ and ‘Pretty Woman’ are so close to the original versions as to be superfluous carbon copies. Unlike their reworking of ‘You Really Got Me,’ which exuded sonic flash and style, these three remakes are there…and nothing more.

‘Big Bad Bill (Is Sweet William Now)’ is the kind of campy period piece that people like to crucify Freddie Mercury for, but when Freddie has written original material in a similar vein (‘Seaside Rendezvous,’ ‘Dreamer’s Ball’), the results have been at least tasteful, with none of the cheap vulgarities encountered here (to say that it’s no ‘Take Your Whiskey Home’ is an understatement).

Instrumental-wise, we’re talking filler again. ‘Intruder’ is a pale, pale imitation of the more successful ‘Sunday Afternoon in the Park’ and the pyrotechnics which made Eddie the Creem guitarist of the year in 1981 are nowhere in sight (or sound).

As for the originals, all four songs are lame, banal exercises that don’t even rock ‘n’ roll all that much, except for” Hang ‘Em High,” which is the closest thing to “classic” Van Halen on this album in terms of sheer train-out-of–control, collision-course rock ‘n’ roll.

Everything you loved on Women and Children First and Fair Warning are missing from Diver Down: the cheap asides from Roth, the glorious stereo guitar sonics, the well-crafted lyrics (yeah, well, compared to Diver Down, anything – including an air-raid siren – would have well-crafted lyrics) and, especially, the solid hooks which permeated almost every track.

Just when Van Halen needed to come back with a killer album to cement their status in the marketplace as the current rock ‘n’ roll kings, they had to go and pull a stunt like this. Diver Down is as bad a career move as I’ve ever seen – so much so that if these guys are featured in this magazine in two year’s time, I’ll be surprised. And don’t laugh: if it happened to Aerosmith, it could happen to these bozos, too.”

-Bruce Malamut
It's definitely my least favorite album of the DLR era (Balance being the candidate for Van Hagar), I'm okay with cover songs as long as they're done right (or made better ala Johnny Cash, "Hurt") but these don't qualify, and even the originals aren't that good.
 
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Channel98

Don't yell or hit.
Feb 2, 2019
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Dave Marsh reviewed Queen's Jazz album in the February 8 1979 issue of Rolling Stone:

"There's no Jazz on Queen's new record, in case fans of either were worried about the defilement of an icon. Queen hasn't the imagination to play jazz. Queen hasn't the imagination, for that matter, to play rock & roll. Jazz is just more of the same dull pastiche that's dominated all of this British supergroup's work: tight guitar/bass/drums heavy-metal clichés, light-classical pianistics, four-part harmonies that make the Four Freshmen sound funky and Freddie Mercury's throat-scratching lead vocals. Whatever its claims, Queen isn't here just to entertain. This group has come to make it clear exactly who is superior and who is inferior. Its anthem We Will Rock You is a marching order: you will not rock us, we will rock you. Indeed, Queen may be the first truly fascist rock band. The whole thing makes me wonder why anyone would indulge these creeps and their polluting ideas."

Jazz reached #2 in the UK and #6 in the United States. It included Don't Stop Me Now, Bicycle Race and Fat Bottomed Girls. It did not include We Will Rock You. That was on Queen's previous album, News Of The World. So why did Marsh reference it in his review of Jazz? Who knows? Maybe he's a fascist.
 

sadchild

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The-Jimi-Hendrix-Experience-%E2%80%93-Are-You-Experienced.jpg


Jimi Hendrix Experience
Are You Experienced?


"Prior to his guitar solo on ['Red House'], Jimi Hendrix announces, 'I've still got my guitar.' It's a good thing, because Jimi is neither a great songwriter nor an extraordinary vocalist ... either you dig it or you don't. Basically, I don't for several reasons. Despite Jimi's musical brilliance and the group's total precision, the poor quality of the songs and the inanity of the lyrics too often get in the way."

Jon Landau [Rolling Stone / 1967]
 
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sadchild

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Creedence_Clearwater_Revival_-_Creedence_Clearwater_Revival-297x300.jpg


Credence Clearwater Revival
eponymous


Rolling Stone’s Barry Gifford reviewed Creedence Clearwater Revival’s 1968 self-titled debut album, and he asserted that, “The whole record is unimaginative, poorly produced and a great waste of John Fogerty’s talents.” While the album did not see a ton of success initially, tracks like “Susie Q.” and “Walk on the Water” helped put CCR on the rock ‘n’ roll map. Gifford’s praise for John Fogerty’s performance on the record was balanced out by his dislike for the rest of the band’s contribution. Gifford wrote, “[John Fogerty is] really the only redeeming quality on the record, and even he gets buried beneath the mediocre non-arrangements and un-inventiveness of the other members of the group.” He twists the knife a little bit more by including this quote: “’I’d rather hear an old man coughing than listen to their rhythm section,’ says San Francisco jazzman Paul deBarros.” Harsh, Barry.
 

sadchild

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LennyKravitz.jpg


Lenny Kravitz
5


His racially convoluted formalism having long since come clean as a total absence of original ideas, he grabs the brass ring from the back of a tacked-on Guess Who cover best heard on the far more imaginative Austin Powers soundtrack. Lenny, your work here on earth is done. We've got Derek Jeter now.
 
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