Adventures In Koopland

How many likes did I have in that last long ass dictated post? You all are busting my balls about it now so I'm trying not to do it as much. Also you all can go to hell. Hahah.
 
HecticArt said:
Or maybe you won't.
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One of you guys needs to come over here to feed Athena if that happens.

But it's not going to happen. I'm not worried about anything like that. I'll be totally back to normal by Tuesday morning and then I got to pick up all the pieces I fucked up along the way during this interesting week+ long ride. That should be a whole lot of fun. The highlight will be me groveling to Pam.
 
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JHDK said:
One of you guys needs to come over here to feed Athena if that happens.

But it's not going to happen. I'm not worried about anything like that. I'll be totally back to normal by Tuesday morning and then I got to pick up all the pieces I fucked up along the way during this interesting week+ long ride. That should be a whole lot of fun. The highlight will be me groveling to Pam.
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Well, the first bit she will be ok. How many days will a a cat survive on your face? After that, sure. Is she neutered and up to date on shots? That is required for her to come to Canada.
 
JHDK said:
It is a lot of fun though. that's why I do it.... Like if I have a chance to get instant gratification I kind of jump at it.
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I disagree with this philosophy. "The pleasure of a moment can be the regret of a lifetime."
JHDK said:
It's who I am. It's who I've always been and as you can see it leads to problems.
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I disagree with this statement, when it comes to anyone. Anybody can change who they are with a simple decision. I've done it, and know many who have too.
 
sadchild said:
I disagree with this philosophy. "The pleasure of a moment can be the regret of a lifetime."

I disagree with this statement, when it comes to anyone. Anybody can change who they are with a simple decision. I've done it, and know many who have too.
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It's really interesting how fucking addicts work or at least me specifically. I don't know that much about other people or whatever...

Pam is currently and has many times before taken it as a personal affront that when I drink. Like I know I'm going to hurt her but I do it anyway. And yes that is true. But that's not how it goes for me when I decide to get fucked up. Not at all and it's very hard to explain. I don't even really understand it myself.

I've lied to Pam a million times about my use of whatever and I've hurt her deeply over and over again to the point where I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to get her back this time.

I think I've made it pretty clear over the last couple years how much I love her to all you guys. Like anyone, I don't hurt people I love.

The best I can explain it goes like this. I've been sober for a while and then I get it in my head I want to drink or whatever. A lot of times I can avoid it. Play a video game. Go to an online AA meeting stuff like that but sometimes I can't. And when I say I can't I know that sounds like pussy shit. I mean take self-responsibility koopman. Don't be a fucking asshole. I can avoid it. I am choosing not to but that's really not the whole story...

It gets in my head and then there's like total tunnel vision and you don't consider anything else or if you do consider it at all, you easily rationalize how it won't be that big a deal. No matter how many times it's been a fucking huge deal in the past.

I hate how addicts in the meetings call it a disease. Yeah it's a disease but it's not like a real disease. It's always me having a lack of self-control. It's me being a weak person.

But I think there is a small element of while not out of my control, something in my brain that makes it more difficult for me to override the thoughts of wanting to use excessively. And again, I'm not making an excuse there. I just have to have a little more self-control or whatever stop being a pussy but it is fucking weird how like just nothing else matters even before I use once I get it in my head like that that I'm going to do it. It's clearly not normal.
 
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Addiction is half physical, half mental. So I totally understand how you (and others) can fall back into it. But I do firmly believe there is still an element of choice. The mental part can be overcome. I suspect handling it involves counseling that has a person recount their earliest experiences with the substance of addiction, in an effort to remove self-determined decisions, reasons, excuses, etc of choosing to do it. Discovering and undoing those forgotten reasons that create an urge to do it. Like someone may lose a loved one and say "I need to get drunk to bury my pain, I can't survive without it." Then later in life, they forget they made that decision and still live by it. That's my take, anyway. I'm not a counselor nor do I play one on TV.
 
Pam is also suffering. I forget the exact term but by not dumping you and walking away she is enabling you to continue. I can see maybe one chance but if she takes you back again she needs help. Actions have consequences. I do hope you finally truly decide that you want to kick this.
 
This last night did not end well. I did way too much got super paranoid and then texted Pam and both my aunts to tell them. I thought I was about to get arrested because I was fucking hallucinating. So there's that. I think that's the real end with Pam and the aunts still have to deal with me. So now I'm going to have to deal with that fall out tomorrow. Fuck this. Shit is embarrassing.
 
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Week plus long Bender is now over. Been sober for over 24 hours and time to go back to work. Feeling pretty good at the moment. A whole lot better than if this is one of my alcohol induced Benders. Time to actually do a good job at my job.
 
Thanks. Deleted it again cuz that's super embarrassing and like if it's super embarrassing for me on DRC then I don't know that's saying something.
 
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